People Skills

I have a natural ability to understand people- to empathize, to make them feel understood and listened to, to reflect back to them, not themselves mirrored exactly, but the perfect complement to themselves. How they wish to be perceived, personified standing before them. 

And I have used this as a protective measure for myself for so long. It has been a controversial ability in my life for as long as I can remember- controversial in that it is something that has been long been celebrated about me. I’ve grown accustomed to the praise from others regarding my natural relatability, my ability to connect, the ease in which I welcome strangers and loved ones alike, but knowing the whole time- deep down- how much of a fraud I felt like. And for a long time it wasn’t something I could understand- a friction with no origin point- an uncomfortableness with myself, especially felt in my relation to others. 

It had allowed me to keep a distance between myself and others without there feeling like the relationship lacks authenticity- a professional level performance.

As a side thought- It could have something to do with my absolute uncomfortableness with lying- I feel like I have been lying to others constantly- just intrinsically within my being, knowing I am keeping so much of myself private, holding the darkness within me, weighing down all the space in which life should be, craving so deeply to be loved, to be seen fully but denying myself the voice to ask for my own needs- so when I am given the opportunity to be truthful about something easy- a fact, a situation, anything but the depths of my own soul- I jump at the opportunity- I scream the truth at the top of my lungs- searching desperately to relieve some of the tension.

But I stand within the universe now asking for the strength to manifest vulnerability and authenticity into my life. To show up fully, to share with another, not without fear but with an acceptance of the risks- to feel seen (light and dark) and still be loved. To let myself be pursued for who I am, not a projection of who I think I should be. To not make myself smaller, to not apologize for being, to not undermine my worth, to not compromise my boundaries and needs in fear of abandonment.

 (Side note: it makes sense, having been so young and seeing the absolute betrayal of trust and love my parents went through. Of having my own foundation rocked- of the only two people in the world that had never hurt me, that were only good, standing in front of me as broken humans. Of my father, my idol, choosing everyone and everything over me. For his selfishness to become so apparent as a child- highlighting only the bad, the evil that can come from relationships. From feeling betrayed and witnessing my own mother’s mourning, her loss of will to live, to eat, her need to numb. Her outcry of emotion- a woman I had only known as controlled, as strength incarnate, being reduced to shambles lying before me. It makes sense that I would vow to never allow such pain for myself. To learn from their mistakes unable to see the facet of life I was sacrificing- my protective walls rooted deeply into my being. Not having been questioned since then. A wound I assumed healed through time- still an open chasm in my heart asking, pleading, to be acknowledged.) 

I ask to recognize my fears, my learned protective mechanisms, my avoidance, the voice screaming to run the opposite direction from attachment, engrained into my every fiber, you know what can happen. I hope to learn to acknowledge them- to give them a seat at the table- and to be able to take their power away from them. To understand yet not acquiesce.

To feel secure in my self worth. To feel proud of what I know I deserve and my ability to ask for and accept only that.

I want to learn about someone, and myself, in the pursuit of being seen, of being understood, not just validated.

To be open about my past, my progress, my goals, without shame.

To become unashamed of my healing process- to see my self work as a strength- not a weakness. To be proud of myself for wanting to get better. To remembering this feeling of the sunshine on my life- even just the sliver- and not wanting to go back to living in the shadows.

To be proud of myself for being willing. To knowing, that although it is not always shared, every emotion, every unlearning and relearning, is a shared human experience.

To not apologize for my existence. To wanting to love, and be loved, fully. To bloom open with courage- rejecting the fear that has ruled my life in dictatorship for so long.

To wanting to be loved, accepted, for the light and the heavy. To share experiences- a relationship- with another without the fear of being discovered. To becoming a whole person. Without exhausting myself with the upkeep of a facade- a hiding.

To love, and be loved, fully!!!!

And for this, I will put in the time to first, love myself. To continue the work knowing it will not be linear- every moment will not feel this hopeful. To be open to sharing this process. To continue to work on not being ashamed of my healing. To continue to work on not being ashamed of myself. To spend time with others listening. My responses being based on the moment, not a calculated image. To have grace with the vulnerability process- as this closed way of living is all I have known for so long. My protection being my closest confidant. 

I will understand this process will not always be done gracefully- that regression is closely intertwined with growth. That I will be uncomfortable.

That I will be uncomfortable.

That throughout this journey I will hold onto the truth that other’s reactions are not my responsibility. That they do not reflect on my worth- they do not have the right to demand I shift my needs, my boundaries- that they do not hold a higher position than myself- that my power, alone, lies above the opinions, the actions of others. 

I will relent.

I will admit that I crave so deeply to be loved. To be seen. That the mess is the meat.