Ketamine Infusion #7

I fall face up down the opening

My body reverberating back small distances upwards after each layer is shattered

Each crack is fluid, graceful even in its deception

The shattering a reaction to the full force of my weight 

The shards digging deeply between my shoulder blades

My blood warm as the river runs, my energy flowing out with it

But the fall is too fast to stop

The energy already in motion

My body rag dolled every direction 

As layer, after layer, after layer

Shatters unto my already shredded skin

My soul leaking out through the gaping holes, 

Finally freed, but Knowing, 

This is not how it’s supposed to be

There can be no soul without body and no body without soul

I have swung so far,

Tripped and fallen so deeply,

I cannot stop the train.

I fear my own destruction.

How do I regain the balance?

How do I tame the fever that has engulfed my being, the hot chills that thrash upon my skin, the oceans of blood lost, and waning will?

The hunger that cannot be satiated

The thirst that cannot be quenched

My outward body is trying its best

It is okay

I am enough

The process is slow

And patient,

And I am ravenous.

I am grasping through the air trying to find the horns of the bull

Desperately trying to define or control 

To rationalize in any way I can

And I am sad.

And I am trying to make it go away

This thing I have brought upon myself

The blanket I tucked my own soul into sleep with

The lullaby I sang sweetly into my own ears for my awakening 

This darkness of another kind

The heaviness of feeling, the effort it demands at all times

The sacrificial nature, it too carries

And it’s different, than the last weight.

Different from the thick black venom that seeped into my tissues

The emptiness it left behind.

This is powerful, light in it’s force

Orange and pink tides exploding from the surface in a way my children’s children cannot imagine

It is a fire that rips through every surface, every layer, and demands to be felt

A fever, a warmth, a seeker of disease,

A killer,

Ridding all that does not serve.

But it is still exhausting, 

And it is exhausting in a period that all I need is rest

And my whole being is such an oxymoron right now for I began this journey for this work and because of this work I need rest but it is the work itself that demands my attention and my energy and I cannot catch up

And I cannot stop

So I fall and I fall and I fall

And I pray soon to find Alice 

Gasping between each impact,

May the next be wonderland