My Date with Alice
8/8/2023
I am feeling so much today,
I am feeling an appreciation for how far I’ve come, wanting to wrap my arms around myself tightly and say I am so proud of you. Of the person you’re becoming,
Of the hardships you’ve battled and will continue to battle along the way. Proud of the light you’ve let in and the space you’ve allowed for it to live. I feel a fullness of emotions I cannot understand yet, cannot articulate.
It’s like having a word on the tip of your tongue, hazy, and just out of reach, but you know it’s inside you. I can feel it right there.
I have held so much darkness inside me, and have realized my strength. How many years did I fight, did I drudge through the muck, heavy but moving, accomplishing in a direction I thought would finally grant me freedom,
Suffocating myself in the name of air.
I was trying my best. I was doing the best I could with what I had and I acted in the only ways I knew to protect myself- to make it all bearable- and while I can see now the misery in which I was living- I can also recognize the strength, the guttural instinct to survive, the flames from my soul which were erupting each day- just misguided in their goal.
I want to hug myself tighter for this fact
The release of the years of mourning and sadness and anger not as a judgment against myself but as a reprieve.
I am feeling a lot.
It has filled my being to the core, and I am bursting at the seams. I am feeling every realization in the past and present, wrapped tightly by the hope for the future. The messiness of rebirth. The air new on my skin, in my lungs. When I try to explain it my throat closes, erupting into my mind instead. I cannot explain, I can feel. There are no actions to be taken, no why to explore. There just is. I talk about fingertips stroking the soul, goosebumps running up my spine, my hairs standing at attention for the universe, something thick in my throat stopping my logical mind from interfering, stop trying to create something out of this, it says- just be with this- just feel yourself. As you are. As I am!!!!!!!!
Here, knowing, conscious, connected
I want to soak up every single second of this life
I want to immerse myself in this knowing
Drown myself in these waves of emotions
Water and air filling my lungs as one
Bursting into my flesh
I am warm and cold at the same time
I am rested and exhausted
I am content and feel the need to run
Hard, fast, no where in particular
The energy around me tantalizing
I am electrified!!!! Can you feel it?
Am I radiating as I know I must be?
It’s a wonder I can sit still, that I can stop talking, stop listening, that I can sleep, that I can eat-
God, all I want to do is eat
To nourish
To create substance
For this beautiful vessel of mine
I have never been so hungry,
I want to chew on every single word and touch every corner of this desk
I want to scoop the meaning out with my fingers and suck until my fingers prune,
Until every last drop rushes through my bloodstream,
I want to FEEEEEEELLLLL
And I want to scream with my voice- a voice I have never before smelled
Every sense alive- reborn
There are no rules
For life
For love
For feeling
For creating
For experiencing
Who says?
When did everyone get so serious?
I want to release myself and watch as my body falls as ribbons through the tree tops
Landing as their needed
Tied softly in a bow around your sweet blonde curls
Clutched in the grasp of a flower as she blooms
Inspiration for the sky
Lowered into the casket
Returning through disintegration to our home
The universe around us
I am dripping in gold
I dance in the fire
My soul floating, freely, in the air as it circles around me
A tornado and a sea breeze
As clear and as heavy (how could I not be with all this feeling) as I have ever been
I want to bend everything you’ve ever thought you’ve known and rejoice in its remaking
Won’t you slide down the rabbit hole with me?
Gold streaking the walls as I tumble upwards
I’m enjoying the insanity
I’ve never felt more sane
(Learning duality)
