Coming Out of the Darkness (Again)

Naked Honesty

Stamina

Tenderness

Ventilation of Rage

Humor

Tenderness, as I crawl back out of the hole;

The rage swirling around me,

Cornering me back into the darkness,

Cowering,

Letting the shame separate me from my knowing once again,

The veil dropped, not lowered.

But, this time I know too much,

My screams are heard over the weight,

My body thrown over and over into the wall- thrashing against the will to give in.

Vehemence, Rage, boiling blood, my pounding heart.

I am terrified,

The air is sucked from my lungs before it can escape,

My council, my warriors, slipping through my fingertips as if I’m soaked in oil.

Ripping my own skin from my flesh in the effort to survive,

I am not tangible here.

The strong, low, voice lulling me back into nothingness,

A tundra with no light,

No hope.

The cold, unrelenting,

Yet, my skin still burns.

Heat waves ricocheting through my body.

I will burn myself at the stake for the cause of my own release,

I will hold the match to my soul and revel in the destruction.

I no longer fear the sacrifice.

I will claw,

Inch by inch,

Out, in the search for reality.

It is this or it is death.

I will leave no resource unused.

I will die in the effort before I ever let myself live in this shame again.

There is no other option than to set my soul on fire and watch through the flames,

As that that which I have so long feared, begins to fear me.

You cannot hurt me, 

There is no length in which you will go that I am not willing to take further,

My eyes no longer empty, my soul no longer weak,

You should be afraid.

I want to feel the worst of what you’re capable of.

I have seen the depths of hell and made myself a home,

Though I may falter, I will never relent,

I am not afraid,

I am terrified,

But I have asked to be here,

And there is no darkness you can surround me with,

No suffocation,

No grasp on my lungs so tight that I have not yet yielded against my own being,

Show me your worst,

And watch me rise from the anger.

You cannot scare me,

For I am one with my darkness,

And she with me,

I rise,

With tenderness,

Slowly,

Gently,

Licking my wounds,

And I would do it again and again and again,

Over and over.

I will rip myself apart, leaving no stone unturned,

No corner unseen,

To remove the rotten,

To shatter the icy core,

That has lied untouched for too long.

I am stronger than I have ever been,

And I am falling apart constantly.

I have never been more terrifying and more terrified, so understanding.

This Life and my being,

Juxtapositions by existence.

I am fire, and I am ice,

I am light, and I am darkness

(I am the weight)

I am simple, and complex

I am the sunrise over the ocean, and the moon touching the mountaintops,

I want to love, and be loved,

I want to be vulnerable and selective,

I am a daughter, and a lover,

Broken, but whole,

Protective of others, but never before myself,

I am earthly, and I am beyond,

I am the sum of my experiences,

I am my intuition,

I am every woman’s power,

I am the roots and the leaves,

The living and the dying,

The same, and ever-changing,

I am what I think I want and what I need,

I am both student and teacher,

I am expectation-less,

I am and I am not,

I am learning.