I Think I’m Gonna Be Okay

I just got home from Charleston, and I’m sitting on the porch relishing in the quiet. The weather is unbelievably perfect. It is still. The earth surrounding me, at peace, as if to say all is in equilibrium. My hair is still damp from the shower and my lips still laced with cherries from my chapstick. When I got home I fed myself homemade thai peanut noodles, and ate without guilt. I let myself eat until I was full, deprivation was not welcomed at the table today. I did not let shame overtake the narrative. I went to a hard, hot yoga class with my favorite teacher. I sweat out my soul and started anew, centered, just as the world around me. The cadence kept by the chirping of the redbird. I feel okay. I think this is the place I thought I could never arrive. I do still have so much work to do, yes, but I spend more time on the better side now. Becoming more comfortable in this new space. That doesn’t mean I don’t still return to the old space, just for a visit. It doesn’t mean I don’t still spend time straddling the line, unsure. But, I’m going to be okay. 

And it’s a really, really sweet feeling to really want to live your life. Fully, not without fear, but with an acceptance of how it is woven into our lives. With an awareness to examine the dynamic between perceived fear and ego. And to lust solely for the soul. For all the parts of life that feel cheesy. To live freed from the cultural restraints of a society that labels too much sentimentality as a weakness. A culture that looks down upon any action that requires personal reflection in return. 

I have decided, therefore I am

I am creating this life I want to live by just choosing it

I am showing up only as who I want to be

Appreciating all the good stuff between the beginning and the end