On Disgust (Personal Notes)
Reserved solely for looking at myself. An immediate reaction my body, being hard on myself, when I binge. Hard to think of a situation with other people and other things in life that made me feel disgust/ that that strong of a word applies to. Hugely oriented towards shame/disgust body image disordered eating/ parts of myself I view as “bad.”
Biological purpose of disgust:
Protection from disease, or any form of contamination. Including, physical manifestation (puking, desensitization from nursing), evolved into:
Believing that your own body or body parts are ugly
Others are evil or the “scum of the earth”: that they disrespect authority of the group- survival in past was based on everyone acting accordingly in group
Extreme disapproval of yourself or your own feelings, thoughts, or behaviors
Judging that a person is deeply immoral or has sinned or violated the natural order of things
Feel disgusted by observing or hearing about a person that strips another person of their dignity/ observing cruelty
Contamination from a self on self place. Elements of it that are towards self and part of that is we were so engrained to stay together as a group that it made it difficult to not want to fit it (if one person if outcast from the group that person’s likelihood of survival goes down significantly.)
Body image a society based thing- we would be talking about our bodies differently if this were the 1600s- society has decided this is what we deem attractive. While it has been adaptive, it can tend to be disruptive for us.
Wise-mind: a combination of our logic and our emotional mind, and when we can connect the two it is considered being in wise mind. If there is something that is violating your own wise mind values it is something that can cause disgust.
Physical component but also this component that we want to try to be easy for the group, to fit in, and that can mean sometimes putting our own selves down.
Disgust of own thought process, mind, self. Deeper than just physical. Harshness of wanting to fit in on all aspects. A need to fit in the tribe. Being afraid of losing others, being easy, scared that if I change or ask for what I need, or even let people in that they will also be disgusted and not want to be a part of it.
It’s difficult because the tribe was smaller then, less options, we have so many more options now, and it’s hard to see that but you have the ability to let go what doesn’t serve you and still find places to fit in. I’ve become so focused on having everyone like us that there are two parts of self:
I need to be good enough in order to fit in with the tribe
Also feel disgusted at the things I think and say about myself because that’s damaging to myself
This complicated dialectic of I’m being harsh and self-critical of myself to become “good enough” for others. I’m disgusted with that aspect.
It’s complicated and confusing- nuances upon nuances upon people upon societies upon life- so much awareness.
In the past, two different tribes had no clue each other existed so no all of these different cultures are merged and naturally it creates discontentment- comparison. I need this harshness or control to then fit in and it makes me “better” but I also resent the fact that I feel like I need to fit in but also carry this balance that people don’t know I’m harsh on myself and that it all comes naturally. And the belief of “I am not enough.” There is no way to balance between the former two thought processes and whichever way you swing it just echoes the sentiment “I am not enough”…
Strong enough
Smart enough
Every situation of self sabotage, sacrifice, numbing, whatever it may be is because of the fear of if I do actually turn inward and start to work on this, what if I prove myself right, that I am actually not enough (now obviously after having turned and explored inward knowing my innate goodness and how can I be scared of the parts of me in my own home? and there is no shame or disgust and if I offer space for all my parts they will love me in return.) The fear what if I’m not capable, what if I still fall short after all this work.
But then asking yourself what does it mean to not be enough, who does it matter for, what are the parameters?
It’s such a hypothesized, trivial concept of being enough. What does enough even mean? Similarly, what is too much? What is a loser? These concepts really don’t exist
It’s impossible to please everybody, and if you think about it, as a people pleaser, there are probably people you are trying to get to like you, that you don’t even like that much, SO WHY?????
Their opinion of me holds no weight
With the disgust, especially towards myself, lean into compassion, and give yourself the grace and understanding that there is a reason why I ________ (comfort seeking), why I don’t feel secure in my body. Partly, the messages I have received- those messages are disgusting
I feel disgust because I don’t meet this criteria, while recognizing this criteria is disgusting.
It’s not going to change over night and it’s not going to be something that you’re always going to look at your body and say “I love this”- the difficult thing is there is never going to be a moment that you don’t feel insecure about your body again.
There is never going to be a moment when you don’t feel insecure about your body again
Even when you make peace with it, there are always going to be moments that you still feel it - and that’s ok- its not about eliminating it all together.
Similarly, with anger, we don’t want to remove the anger- we want to be aware of it- give disgust a seat at the table and say “how have you been serving me?”
Disgust keeping me in people’s good graces, protecting me from all sorts of things, is it helpful? Probably not, but it’s trying to be helpful in it’s own weird little way.
Disgust is doing the best it can
All parts are welcome
All emotions are welcome
If we reject it, it is only going to make it worse
When the disgust monster comes in and says all these little things challenge it and say, I appreciate everything you’re trying to do for me, and it’s ok that I’m not perfect. It’s ok that I engaged in a behavior that is hard for me to navigate. This is coming from a place of pain and I am seeking comfort. And I did the best I could. And I am human and it is ok.
And it doesn’t have to be a harshness, people think we have to be hard on ourselves as a motivator, but compassion isn’t giving yourself a pass. It’s recognizing there is something going on here and I am a human being and it’s ok. We’re gonna figure this out and were gonna make it right. Compassion is a desire to seek understanding.
Disgust has always been for me what I hold closest to not let anyone know or see me. Utmost vulnerability. Nervousness telling me, don’t share, don’t let go of the control because if I do it’s all going to fall and these parts of me will be revealed. Tied so closely to the idea that if I can hate myself so easily then everyone else will eventually too. So, it is the root of the distance I have built in my life. Navigating it is heavy. You can gain understanding without being ready to break it down.
Disgust has long served me and kept me well hidden which is a perceived protection and also is the thing that says you’re different (creates a feeling of isolation within the human experience.)
Disgust/shame preaches the narrative that you’re the only one having this experience when in reality this is a hugely shared human experience.
Instead of saying I hate this part of myself- say come to the table, let’s see what we can learn, thank you for trying to keep me safe, be a part of me.
