Take Care
There’s a kind of silent mediation to making ones bed
The stripping down of the old
The revealing of each layer, down to the bones, before you begin to create new
The adding back,
Tucking the corners,
Focusing on the details,
Straightening out the wrinkles before moving on
Starting a new day
In this life
By making your bed
I am hurt.
Gutted.
My throat filled with vile,
My muscles clamped down with the immediate reflex to control the pain.
The little man,
Once imagined,
Now tangible,
Standing there and saying, you have been a fool! You are not good enough!
Somebody that you cared about, and trusted, and stood up for, and believed in has proven themselves to not be worthy,
But for the first time in my entire life,
I realize so deeply now that my misjudgment is not a reflection of my own goodness,
It speaks to nothing but their character.
For my ability to love and feel and trust and be open,
My willingness to learn, and want to expect the best in others,
Is something I am proud of.
And I would not change it, and that is not the message
(I held the space, and my council has spoken)
I am angry, I am hurt, I am sad
But do not fuck with me in this era
(Which begins now and will end only in death)
Because I am strong
I am stronger than I have ever been
And I can feel my power, my boundaries, my knowing,
My worth,
Pulsing through my veins as I rise from the ashes,
I have reckoned with the darkest forms of myself and I hold no fear in loving them
I have reckoned with my fear so that she is my fiercest warrior,
Fighting forever with me, never against me,
I pity the man who takes me as a doe,
As I have ripped my own body apart in a search for the answers,
In search of the Knowing,
And exploded in the process,
My skin partially tethered to what is left of my bones as that which no longer serves me is sentenced to death.
I hold no fear in acting in a way that holds accountability for my own needs
It is my god-given right to demand I be treated at the level I deserve
I know my power,
I know I am enough,
I know that your insecurity, your ability to act in a way that is hurtful to me- knowingly or not (I don’t know which is worse)
Is not my responsibility
Your poor choices and the consequences that ensue
Are not my responsibility
I am my own source of validation
You were lucky to have gained my trust
And now I am sad,
I am hurt,
But I do not regret
I feel as if I have proven to myself my learning,
The only way to ensure the lessons are sticking are through practice,
And I turned inward,
And I did not try to numb,
And I listened to her sweet lips talk of the man she had met,
Her eyes lighting as she replayed the memory in her head,
The one she’s starting to develop feelings for,
I watched as she explained your hands on her hips,
Your words running through her mind,
An encore performance each night.
And I wanted to hear,
To feel,
To let it wash over me,
To sit in the uncomfortable,
Make myself at home in the darkness (my darkness) and say,
“What is the true message here? What do I need? What boundary has been crossed that is non-negotiable for me?”
And I did not hear one voice other than my own telling me,
Be angry, be proud, be hurt- for you really liked this person, you were hopeful and you’ve been let down- but this is in no way connected to who you are,
It is not a reflection of your worth
You thought he was put into your life to teach you one thing, and instead you learned another
Alas, the only thing life has consistently taught me is
Have no expectations
Be open
I cannot control that which is not my action
I can only Know:
My worth
My values
The way I want to feel
The way I want to be treated
That vulnerability is a gift
That wanting others to feel safe and loved is a gift
It is not my responsibility to heal your trauma
It is not my responsibility to act in the way that serves you
I am my own best friend
I am my own lover
You cannot change the way I view myself (cannot hurt me past a certain level)
Once it is lost- you do not have a right to gain my trust back
Thank you for your service,
Take care
